Ok so anyone that knows me and knows me well can say that I have always wanted to be a mother… I mean some aspire for fame, status, money, careers and materialism (which each to their own and nothing wrong if those are your goals) but for me I felt like my greatest achievement in life was being a wife and a mother.
I married my wonderful husband Miquel Lambert on Sunday 18th August 2013, and we waited about a year and a bit to start the wonderful journey of expanding our family. Now for many it may come easy but for others including myself it was a rollercoaster journey of trials, tests, heartbreak and pain.
I initially became pregnant the first time around 6-7 months of trying around March 2015 and was obviously over the moon to see the little + line on the pee stick but that was soon overcome with anxiety, fear and doubt as deep down inside of me I had feelings that something was wrong and that it was all too ‘good to be true’. Regular phone calls with my mummy and constant reminders that “everything will be ok” and to “not over think it” tried but failed to keep me grounded in the belief that I was going to be a mother.
I had my doctors appointment and they routinely took blood to check my HCG levels and just as I’d dreaded the results weren’t what I had wanted… they were not doubling like they normally should. A couple of tests later and the results still didn’t look promising, so once booked into the hospital for an early viability ultrasound something that should have resembled a growing gestational sac was that of a mystery to the sonographer in regards to the size and development. This of course added to the nerves, fear and doubt I already had.
Fast forward a couple of days and the dreaded thought that had constantly kept me awake many nights had come true and I miscarried. I took the time I needed to grieve and heal but found it hard to open up to my husband, family and close friends and felt angry and dissappointed at God. But even though I didn’t understand the reason behind it all, God’s word and promises are true and I still had faith that they remained so for me.
Fast forward 3-4 months later and to my surprise I was pregnant again!!! PRAISE GOD!! My contending prayers had been answered and this time feeling much more confident; especially after doubling HCG levels, myself and my husband enjoyed our annual church marriage retreat. (N.B because of past pregnancy complications each time I fall pregnant I’m entitled to a viability scan) so after a few days of soul-feeding sermons, bonding and relaxation we both made our way to the hospital ecstatic at the adventure of becoming parents.
When the words of the sonographer rung in my ear of “I’m afraid, it’s bad news” my heart and spirit were crushed. Confused and heart broken I was shown a screen of a flashing heartbeat but it not being in my uterus like it was supposed to but in my Fallopian tube. What we thought was a routine checkup ended up being admittance into hospital for surgery to remove one of my tubes! But even before the surgery my husband and I were holding onto to that ‘small mustard seed of faith’ in that there would be the greatest miracle we’d ever experienced, that the doctors had got it wrong and all my dreams would remain in tact but it wasn’t so….
The weird thing is that although the second loss was totally unexpected and more traumatic in that of seeing an actual heartbeat, I felt a calming peace and openness more than I did the first time. Don’t get me wrong, it hurt and I grieved for my baby that wasn’t to be but I encouraged myself in the Lord through sermons, sharing my testimony to others about the experience and found strength in the scripture verse
“He has made everything beautiful in its time…”
– Ecclesiastes 3:11
So… fast forward another 3 months and we are in Dec 15′, I have just finished organising and assisting with our annual church Christmas Banquet on the Sunday and come Monday and Tues I am EXHAUSTED! So much so that I am bed bound and think I’m starting to come down with something. My now attentive husband that has seen me go through every early pregnancy symptom comes in from work, hearing me moan about how tired I’ve been and says…
“I think your pregnant “
I quickly dismiss this and ask why in which he replies “Cos you’ve been more moody than usual” I ignore him but reluctantly buy a pregnancy test the same week a few days before Christmas. In the early hours of Christmas morning after coming in from my In-laws, a niggling feeling came over me to test before I went to bed and to my complete surprise a + started right back at me. I slowly walk out of the bathroom up to my husband and say “Merry Christmas” while holding out the pee stick. Now I’m looking at this stick for a long time and willing myself that it’s real.
Am I really going to be a mummy??!
The constant nausea and adversions reminded me that it was very real but I tormented myself further by reading horror stories of how far women had been pregnant before they’d miscarried!!!! BUT with many rebukes and encouraging words from that of my husband and mummy I gradually became at peace and enjoyed the process of the little life that was growing inside of me.
Fast forward to Sunday 28th August 2:41am my bundle of perfection was born and my dreams and aspirations of being the most important thing I’d ever achieve in my life came true!!!!
The journey so far has been amazing and I am so thankful for my princess everyday. I believe I am much stronger and my marriage has matured because of what myself and my husband endured.
I write this account of my journey to motherhood not of one looking for sympathy or words of praise but of that and that alone TO GIVE GOD GLORY AND PRAISE. Everything happens for a reason, a season and in His perfect timing and if you put ALL your hope and trust in Him. He will NEVER let you down.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And he shall direct your paths”
I pray that you were blessed and encouraged from my testimony and that whatever your going through or have been through, you will come through your ‘test’- so that you have a testimony also!